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Six feet under pilot script12/20/2023 ( Female voice ) You think I'm really boring, don't you?īecause now that your father is dead, you can forget about ever going law school. It's still spiritual, but doesn't seem so dated or depressing. Oh god, you're probably too young to remember that.Īnyway, I so prefer this light classical, you know, chamber orchestra stuff. It reminds me of those soap operas my mom used to watch before I started kindergarten. I've been to three other funerals this year.Ĭancer, stroke, pediatric leukemia, and the music is always that same sad organ music. I can't even remember the last time you and I talked about anything important. You're kind of freaking me out right now. Just drive him around the block a few more times, and we won't need to stop at the hospital. Hearses were the only vehicles that could transport people lying down. She looked so peaceful, thank you so much.ĭid you know that before you were born, funeral homes ran the ambulance business? Or the fact that we both just fucked a perfect stranger?Īnd that we both lied when we said we never did that? How could a man who's so fucking scared of everything who never had an a accident or even a speeding ticket in his entire fucking life, how could he have a car wreck?Īre you mad at him, or the fact that we're all gonna die? He buries this dipshit loser who O.D.'d at A Flock of Seagulls concert, suddenly I'm not allowed to go to concerts for a year. I couldn't go rafting 'cause he'd just buried this girl who drowned. My dad really rode my ass when I was a kid. Well, I left home right before she was born, so I never really knew her that well, but she's kind of wild like I was. My brother, um, well, he's a control freak, too. Oh, and an ancient springer spaniel who's completely blind, deaf, and incontinent. Manic-depressive brother who always chooses the holidays to go off his medication. Parents who stayed together for the children, but really because they got off on tormenting each other so much. So, I guess this whole hellish experience I'm about to go through is just gonna burn a little brighter now, right?Īnd frankly, I'm in no hurry to get home to my family's annual Christmas Eve massacre. I gotta go pick up my mom and bring her to the morgue so she can identify his body. My dad just got hit by a bus and it broke his neck and he's dead. It just makes everything burn a little bit brighter. 'Cause I gotta spend tonight having Christmas Eve dinner with my demented family it's gonna be weird enough without me being high on crack. I hate to have to be the one to tell you. ( Female ) You carry a lot of tension around in your lower back. Your father is dead and my pot roast is ruined. I have to drop some stuff off at a friend's house before I head over, okay? Bye. This is one of the few times a year we're all together.Īlright, don't get all Pat Robertson on me, I'll be there. I thought he was coming in tonight, so we could do that whole forced Christmas Eve family thing.īecause there are some really excellent parties I could be going to. If there's any justice in the universe, she's shoveling shit in hell. I wasn't talking about that kind of ride. That's alright, I'm sure he'll be here soon enough. Here's my cell number, I'll be here until the 29th. So, I enjoyed talking to you about that whole shiatsu thing, I hope that pans out for you. God sure has dealt that woman some blows in this life.īesides don't you have a viewing tonight? Or heaven forbid, a man, like my cousin Hannah's husband did. Well, I'd much rather he buy himself a fancy new hearse than leave me for a younger woman. It would've made so much more sense to invest in re-paneling for the chapel, or adding coffee bars to the slumber rooms. I think your father's having some sort of mid-life crisis. There was nothing wrong with the old one. That new hearse was a total waste of money. They don't want their loved ones riding around in something that smells like an ashtray.Īlright, look, I'm quitting right now, I promise. Nathaniel, people want things to be nice when there's a funeral. He's every bit as proud of that thing as your fool brother was of that damn motorcycle he had in high school. You should not be stinking up that new hearse. Look, forget you'll give yourself cancer and die a slow and horrible death. It's not as if I don't have enough to do already.īut it has to be after I pick up Nate at the airport, I'm already running late. Why not just cut some milk with tap water? Oh, and I just realized we don't have any of that soy stuff Nate drinks. ( Singing with radio ) ♪ I'll be home for Christmas ♪ĭid you take your blood pressure medication today? The new millennium edition, crown royal funeral coach.īecause your loved one deserves the very best in style and comfort. ( Female ) Sleek, sophisticated, seductive.
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